#47 Sarah Palin

Christian culture loves, LOVES Sarah Palin. She embodies the assertiveness of the Proverbs 31 woman (not so much the meek qualities, but hey) and she has a gaggle of kids, a goateed husband, a Bardot bump in her hair (the higher the hair, the closer to God), a Downs baby that she didn't abort, and a wayward teenager which every Christian family also seems to have. Christians identify with this.

#46 LMBO

This acronym is the wholesome version of the secular LMAO.

The alteration to LMAO was likely made in observation of Ephesians 4:29 which says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

The logical conclusion here is that butt is more beneficial than ass. LMBO is very popular with the homeschooling sector.

#45 Purity Rings

A purity ring is a ring given to an adolescent girl to show that she has made a vow to not have sex before she's married. It's sort of a public statement of virginity and also reminds her of the commitment she made to "remain pure" until marriage. These rings are also worn by guys, but they're way more common among girls. The ring is ideally given to a girl by her dad, but if he isn't on the scene or is otherwise apathetic then she might get one herself or ask her mom for one, either because she really does want to make this commitment or possibly because the Jonas Brothers wear them. (Bristol Palin had one too.)

Sometimes the purity ring is accompanied by a Vow of Purity. This certificate is signed by the girl (and ideally her dad) then is framed. If they never get around to framing it though then it is eveutally folded up and kept in her embossed white naugahyde bible with the gold-edged pages. A Purity Ball may be attended, for which the girl and her dad will get dressed up and pay $85 each to participate in a formal event where pubescent girls in white dresses stand on a stage with their fathers and promise not to bang anyone without getting a marriage certificate first.

The father's involvement is an interesting factor in the purity quest. Even the psychological (i.e. objective and scientific) community acknowledges that a father's presence has a profound effect on the sexuality of both their sons and their daughters. Both boys and girls innately look to their father for the basic formation of their sense of self worth and if he isn't emotionally attentive then girls will get male attention somewhere else. This isn't really by any fault of their own.

Purity vows and purity balls that require fatherly involvement are indirectly addressing this psychological fact. The implication is that the father will "guard" his daughter's heart and emotions (and her virginity, by proxy) until she is married. The scientific, nonreligious community might be hard pressed to find anything wrong with this. (But who knows.) Still, things start to feel a bit creepy with the tangible display of this highly personal sentiment. The point starts to become skewed. Maybe all this virginity talk is actually sexualizing girls when they are still too young. Girls may want to wear a purity ring as more of a means of joining a club or being part of a movement bigger than themselves, so in other words, it's trendy. The dad feels peer pressure too. "Dads, men of faith, fathers in Christ: we're taking our preteen daughters to the purity ball." What churchy dad is going to refuse to ensure their daughter's purity? Nobody really talks about how much time he is actually emotionally present for her, which is the crux of the entire thing. His involvement with her and protection for her are an allegory for how God loves and watches over her but this is barely implied, much less outright discussed and emphasized. There is the wearing a cute dress and signing the vow with her dad present and the taking of a white rose and kneeling at a wooden cross to seal her vow alongside dozens of her friends. The dads all shake hands and congratulate themselves that their daughters won't grow up to be whores. The ceremony perhaps takes on a bigger meaning than the sentiment. It's easy to get caught up in. It is the hallmark of Christian culture: Doing Things and Avoiding True Relationship. (And nobody talks about this aspect, but it's sort of gross that a dad would attend a public event on behalf of his daughter's cooch. This smarminess is partially obscured by his good intentions in "protecting" her which makes the whole thing difficult to criticize.)

For all this talk about purity, the grey areas are not discussed. We all feel much more comfortable with the black and white so we try to stay there. Black and white means only two things here: Doing It and Not Doing It. The grey area is everything in between. Oh crap, the bible doesn't say if we can make out. So where should we draw the line? It's just kissing, right? Okay we can. Then...hey where did my shirt go? Well, it's okay because I'm still totally a virgin cause I have my jeans on. But...now he doesn't. Stopping sucks. Well, as long as we're not doing IT then it's okay, right?

The Bible doesn't talk about the exact details so we have to struggle with them. WWJD? Not sure exactly, it's a grey area. Great, now we actually have to deal with this because we don't have our black and white guidelines.

When a girl who has worn a purity ring gets married, this detail is almost always announced at the altar on the day of her wedding so that no soul present is unwitting to the fact that her hymen is intact. While the pastor talks at length about this priceless gift she will give her husband, the wedding guests fight to get the vagina visual out of their minds. Hymen Bride's parents beam with pride at their daughter's alleged morality. And even if she IS very pure, is God pleased? Has she entered a struggle to get there and has she wrestled with God thereby entered into true relationship, or has she played it safe and stuck to the churchy rules so she can feel happy with herself because of this good work she's accomplished? And if she has wrestled with God and anguished and cried and pitched a fit about it, could God be more happy about their interaction than he is about the technically pure bride who white-knuckled it there totally on her own? What IS purity? What IS true love waiting? Not being sure is difficult. It's easier to make a ceremony out of it and focus on the symbols.

#44 Women's Ministries

American Protestant churches often have a program called a Women's Ministry. As with most specialized church programs, the bigger and more warehouse-y the church, the more likely it is that it will have a Women's Ministry.

A women's ministry has female members who are married, widowed or single but are too old to be in the singles ministry. (A singles ministry is basically a glorified church-endorsed dating service with an unwritten rule that only 20-somethings can be involved. They will not turn away anyone who is single but by the time you're 29 and still haven't gotten married, you are pretty much ready to bail out.)

The photographs and graphics used to promote the women's ministry almost always feature

1. flowers (especially sunflowers)
2. coffee mugs
3. a jubilant woman or a group of women experiencing fellowship.

Promotional materials for a women's ministry never represent the side of Christian life where things aren't happy and calm, or when you just plain feel like death warmed over and want to kick everyone in the balls. It could be assumed that this is for advertising purposes. The message you are likely to infer is "If you fellowship with our Women's Ministry then you will be like the happy pretty lady side-hugging her friends or running through a field."

But Jesus don't need no advertising.

Below are a series of pictures. One is from a women's ministry promo kit and one is from a feminine hygiene advertisement. Can you guess which is which?

A.



or

B.




Did you guess correctly? Okay, that was easy since there were words on the Christian one. How about this one. Which is the women's ministry photo, is it A or B?


A.



or

B.





Yeah, again with the words. But they're too hard to photoshop out. Onto question 3.


A.



or

B.



Christian women's ministries promote a lifestyle that is not promised in the Bible. Women may feel like they won't fit in if they don't look like the people in the pictures, or they may feel inadequate or weak in their faith if they aren't shiny, happy and bouncy all the time. But nowhere does the Bible say that if you trust Jesus then you will always feel and look like this:

The truth is that sometimes you will feel like this.

You will not always feel like this.

The truth is sometimes you will feel like this.

Once again. You will not always feel like this.

Sometimes you will feel like this

Recap: Jesus don't need no advertising.

#43 Having Only Christian Friends

People in Christian culture surround themselves almost exclusively with other like-minded people. They do have some acquaintances who are non-Christians but these are not close friends. These acquaintances are most often neighbors, co-workers, and other people who aren't easily avoided.

A person immersed in Christian culture feels some tension during every interaction with a non-Christian. This is because they feel they must represent Jesus and win that person for Christ. They feel they should overtly and literally present the gospel during almost every interaction and they feel a certain amount of personal responsibility for that person's salvation. It's an enormous amount of pressure.

This is not to say that Christians will not seek out conversation with a non-Christian. They will. But it is usually for the ultimate purpose of "witnessing" and avid pursuit of presenting the gospel to them in no uncertain terms. They feel that merely being that person's friend isn't quite enough. As a result the Christian culture person feels much more comfortable with fellow Bible-believing Christians. (Catholics don't count. Are you kidding?)

Christian culture in large part glosses over the fact that Jesus hung out with the grossest, most immoral people in his society and that the people considered to be the most holy people of his time, the Pharisees, looked down on this. Even still, Christian culture feels unsure about having friends who are agnostic, atheist, undecided, gay, strippers, drinkers, smokers, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Muslims, or maybe just kind of skanky. These people could also be saved for all we know but in the eyes of Christian culture their lifestyle trumps this possiblity. (Where is the fruit in their life? asks the Christian, unwitting to his own sin in judging that person.) Christian culture indeed knows that the Pharisees missed the point of the gospel of Christ, but Christian culture members generally are not able to entertain the possibility that they themselves could be modern-day Pharisees.*

*Disclaimer: anyone can have Phariseeical attitudes and thus be sinning, even/especially people with silly blogs.

#42 Drama Teams

A drama team is a group at church that acts out sketches during the service as a form of worship. Churches that boast drama teams are usually of the large, warehouse, non-denominational variety. The drama team performs its sketches during youth group to inspire chastity, witnessing, or the upcoming youth retreat. They also perform at church services during Christmas and Easter and the weeks preceding them. The performances take place during the service after the bulletin announcements but before the third hymn.

The Christmas or Easter sketch is a straightforward enactment of the modern western interpretation of Jesus getting born or killed. These are often called "pageants" and can include non-members of the drama team. (The type of person who will volunteer for pageants is often an, ahem, headstrong mother of several, or a retiree with a lot of time on his hands). These types of performances are very similar from one to the next. If they take place in a church that has the word Grace or Community in its name, the "actor" playing Jesus is invariably Caucasian.

The drama team operates under the assumption that its sketches engage people and that people can relate to the situations that are portrayed. A typical church drama sketch contains a few props (more than two but no greater than six) and someone knocking on an invisible door which is then answered by someone turning its invisible knob. The sketch will also have a hapless character who does not know about Christ's love (yet!) and copes by being either overtly rebellious or by floundering listlessly through life. Conversely, the sketch will also contains a triumphant character who is self-assured and secure because of Jesus and knows "beyond a shadow of a doubt" where he'll go when he dies. Doesn't the hapless person want this too? Hapless does and 98% of the time prays to receive Christ at the end of the sketch while the sanctuary lights dim and "Amen!" is randomly shouted by a few brave people in the audience.

#41 Exclamation Points

by guest contributor David Drury

Many evangelical Christians carry a terror inside their chest that if they appear less than happy all the time then they will have violated the terms of some sort of Jesus Marketing Contract. (Why would lonely and searching people want to know about Jesus if I don't display ecstatic fulfillment at all times?) To this end, Christian culture puts an emphasis on positivity. How's your walk with God? Awesome! How is your marriage? A blessing! How did that Cowboys game turn out? God honored their hard work! What about the game they lost? God is really teaching them some great lessons! Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It was in God's will! I heard your mom has cancer. God has a better plan!

It seems many an evangelical Christian is on a mission to convince nonbelievers of the white hot joy that comes with being a Christian (all the time and forever). They may suppose that their pagan friends will one day say:

"Something is different about you. Why are you so happy all the time?"
"I met Jesus!"
"I want what you have!"

And...scene.