#72 Spiritual email signoffs

When a Christian emails another Christian, they are likely to use a signoff that acknowledges the Lord. If a secular signoff is “Sincerely” or “Best,” a spiritual signoff is “In Christ” or “Blessings.” It can also present itself in the following varieties:

In Him,
Your servant in Christ,
Complete in Him,
In His Service,
Covered in the blood,
In His grip,
Grace and peace,
His,
<>< (an ichtheuse [that’s “ Jesus fish” to the non-seminaried hoi polloi])

New varities of these pop up all the time and the only hard and fast (yet unwritten) rule is that when a pronoun for God is used, it is always, always capitalized.

The apostle Paul signed his letters by gushing a bit about grace and peace, but then, he gushed throughout his letters. Screwtape signed his letters “Your affectionate uncle.” Charles Bukowski signed his letters with all kinds of weirdness like “7 comes eleven,” “Sure,” and “I have leukemia, Bukowski.” Sarah Palin signs her emails “With an Alaskan heart.” Maybe these signatures are as honoring to God as signing off with“In Him.” Who knows? People’s personal experiences inform how they receive everything. If they have spiritual abuse in their past, they may not feel “blessed” by such an email signature, and even a bit wounded. Just something to be aware of, I guess.

#71 Worship leaders asking folks to "really think about the words to this next song"

Worship leaders want to break it down for a minute. After some rousing worship anthems, it’s time to get serious. This is when they’ll play the first chords of something evocative (like “As The Deer” or “Softly and Tenderly”) and they'll say,

“I want everyone to really think about the words to this next song.”

*During this pensive time the worship leader will sometimes add "God is speaking to you." Now, how does he know that? (Maybe it's coming through the earpiece of his headset mic.)

#70 Hands-free headsets

They were once only worn by McDonald’s drive-thru workers, infomercial hosts and Janet Jackson, but now microphone headsets are becoming a standard fixture during sermons at non-denominational churches.

The reasons for this aren’t entirely clear. The headset could be a logical progression from the pulpit of yore which had a microphone attached to it, after which came the microphone that the pastor clipped to his shirt so he could walk around while talking.

But maybe even that restricted movement. The pastor of a bible, community, or otherwise non-denominational church does not want to be confined to one spot on the stage. He wants to gallivant about and engage his audience. Maybe he hopes this will help them pay attention better. But we don't really know. We can only be sure that microphone headsets are popping up like mold spores on a dirty keg.

When you listen to a sermon that is amplified by a headset, it can mean only one thing: that pastor intends to roam. He will use his hands a lot and gesture for emphasis. He will dart about then abruptly pause for effect when he wants to let something sink in. He will even at this point probably say, “Let that sink in. Just let that sink in for a minute.” or "You checkin' with me?" (These are not phrases you are likely to hear at a Presbyterian, Methodist, or Episcopal service. Only the non-denominationals utter them. Well, and the Baptists.)

The headset also renders the pastor's hands free for grand gesticulation when he makes a big emphatic statement. “Jesus DIED for you!” “Are you ready for THIS?” “You can TITHE your way out of debt!” etc.

But the big mystery lurking behind the headset is “What is the earpiece for?” Is he receiving direction from his producer? Is he getting orders from the drive-thru? Is Steve Martin feeding him lines to say to Roxanne? This mystery is unsolved and the case remains open.

(All right, except for this guy. This guy actually needs a headset.)

#69 Saying "Let's close in prayer"

At the end of any sort of talk given where Christians are known to be present, the speaker will say "Let's close in prayer." They cannot help themselves.

#68 Beth Moore

Christian women adore Beth Moore. At this moment 91% of them are either in the middle of a Beth Moore Bible study or about to start another Beth Moore Bible study.

Christian women's enthusiasm for Beth Moore may be commensurate with the Catholics’ enthusiasm for the Virgin Mary.

#67 Having cheesy hair

Christian culture isn’t exactly known for having good style but bless their hearts, they sure try.

Because they struggle with being in the world but not of the world, Christian culture is perpetually 2 to 10 years behind what mainstream culture thinks is cool. As a result, the pastor/creative director/worship leader looks like a fashion victim to everyone but the people inside his sphere of Christian culture.

Staff members of churches who wish to be relevant are the most frequent victims. The most common infractions are

1. overstyled hair

2. highlights

and

3. expensive jeans.

Often the wife has engineered these looks for her husband. If this is the case, the husband publicly (either on his blog or from the pulpit as an aside during a sermon illustration) praises his hot wife and how she “keeps him looking good.” Little does he know that most non-Christians within the sound of his voice think he looks like a douchebag.

Ironically, if you can own the fact that you have no innate style, that automatically scores you major style points. However, relevant pastors are loathe to admit this.

#66 Backrub chains

Backrub chains appear frequently at youth groups and bible camps. Whenever pubescent* Christians of mixed gender are gathered to study the Bible or worship, the likelihood that a backrub chain will form is increased tenfold.

Backrub chains do not appear nearly as often in non-Christian settings. This may be because there is more frustration present in people who “struggle” with kissing, etc. before marriage. In the evangelical subculture, mass backrubs in an open setting are considered acceptable.

*The presence of backrub chains can extend well past adolescence, into singles ministries and, creepily, beyond.